The McKendrick Christmas Interview

With nothing but time on their hands, Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose recently agreed to interview me for our not-so annual Christmas letter.  Actually, they didn’t agree to interview me, but if they had, I think the interview would have gone something like this:

Charlie:  Hello, Mrs. McKendrick, you’re looking dignified today.

Me:  Thank you, Mr. Rose.

Matt:  Do you always wear graduation robes to an interview?

Me:  No, just wanted to make sure I didn’t dress too provocatively for the two of you.

Charlie:  How thoughtful.

Matt:  Mission accomplished, but to be fair, even if you’d come to this interview in a bikini, it wouldn’t have been a problem.  You’re as old as my grandmother.

Me:  I’m as old as your wife.

Matt:  But you see where I’m going with that.  At any rate, it’s nice to see you today.  And, apparently, you’ve written some books I’ve never heard about.

Me:  Yes, it’s sort of a smaller market.  I write clean romance for the—

Matt:  I’m going to have to stop you right there.

Me:  Excuse me?

Matt:  I have no interest in hearing about clean romance.

Me:  Which, to be honest, isn’t much of a surprise.

Matt:  Touché

Me:  Can I at least mention the title of my latest book?

Matt:  Just the title, or I swear I’ll have to walk into traffic.

Me:  Okay then, the title is, Brush With Love.

Matt:  Sounds nauseating.  No truly, I strive for truth in journalism, and I gotta say, the title makes me feel like I’m dying a little inside.

Me:  Should we switch to a different subject then?

Matt:  Good idea, so you have SEVEN children.

Me:  That’s right.

Matt:  Please tell me you had the good sense to send them all to Switzerland for boarding school.

Me:  No, they all grew up at home.

[Hits himself in the head with his clipboard a few times]

Me:  Are you okay?

Matt:  I’m fine.  I was hoping I was in a terribly boring dream, and just needed to wake up.  So, any way, you’ve got seven kids.

Me: That’s right, well, nine now, because two of our daughters have married.

Matt:  What!

Charlie:  Excuse me, but am I going to be able to ask any of the questions?

[He turns to Charlie] Matt:  What do you care?  She’s an incredibly boring person.  There’s nothing to ask.  But, back to you having two daughters that are already married, they must have been incredibly young when they tied the knot.

Me:  The younger one, Caroline, was twenty when she got married.

Matt:  Which proves my point.

Me:  What’s your point?

Matt:  That Mormons are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.  Who would let their daughter marry at such a young age?

Me:  She found a great guy.  It was the right choice for her.  Both of my girls chose great guys.  We’re happy to have them in the family.

Matt:  I’m sure you are.  You seem to have a thing about hoarding people.

Charlie:  If I may, I’d like to ask Mrs. McKendrick a few questions.

[Tosses a hand in the air] Matt:  Why not ask her about her twenty-eight year marriage to that guy she met her freshman year of college.  That ought to be a snore fest.  I could use a nap.

Charlie:  Actually, I wanted to ask her about this last year.  How did it go?

Me:  Fine, I suppose.  Our daughter, Victoria—

[Snorts with laughter] Matt:  Is she married too?

Me:  Take a nap, Matt.  Actually, no.  She’s currently serving a mission for our church in the Philippines

. 

Charlie:  And how has she adjusted to life there?

Me:  She’s doing well.  She’s amazed by how beautiful it is there, and she says the people are fantastic.  She always has a funny story to share about her week, and she is loving having the opportunity to teach the people in Cebu about the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Charlie:  Any other highlights from this year for the McKendricks?

Me:  We’ve just been plugging along.  Rich enjoys serving as bishop of our ward, and working as a family law attorney.  Sam’s at BYU, studying and snowboarding, Julia and Paul are killing it in Idaho, putting down roots and living life; Caroline and Stephen are doing the same in Southern California.

Matt:  Southern California.  That’s about the only interesting thing you’ve said in the last five minutes.

[I give Matt the stink eye; he winks backs, nonplussed.]  Me:  Charlotte and Scarlett are dancing, and Peter is tearing up the mountain biking trails with his dad.  It’s been a good year, and we’re grateful for the chance it gave us to make a few trips out west to see family, enjoy some time at the beach, and serve and be served after Hurricane Irma.

Matt:  Speaking of disasters, we should probably cut this interview short.

Me:  Can I say one more thing?

Matt: No, it’s literally like your breath is chloroform. 

Charlie:  She’s our only interview for the day.  Let her speak.

[Huffs] Matt: Fine.

Me:  I wanted to say Merry Christmas to all our friends and family out there, the ones we see regularly and the ones we usually just see through social media.  May this season bring you peace and joy!  We love you, and hope to see you all in 2018!

Matt:  I should let you know the sappy police called; they have a warrant for your arrest.  Just to be clear, are you sure something more sensational didn’t happen in 2017?  Is it possible you dined at the naked restaurant in London, but forgot to mention it?

Charlie:  Good question, Matt.

[taking off the mic] Me:  No, nothing like that.  Merry Christmas, everyone!  Merry Christmas!