How To Stay Out Of My Husband's Office--Marriage Tips From A Divorce Attorney

Rich and I talk about divorce all the time, not because we want a divorce (Hell no!) but because for more than twenty years he's worked as a divorce attorney.  My husband is an interesting study in contrasts—he’s a divorce attorney, a Mormon bishop, a child of divorce, and has been happily married for twenty-nine years.  His experiences, I think, make him uniquely qualified to talk about divorce, and so, for this installment of my blog, I’ve picked his brain about the D word:

Lisa:  Good morning.  How are you?

Rich:  Crazy in love, and you?

Lisa:  Same, but we digress..

Rich:  Not really.  In my opinion, in a healthy marriage, declarations of love should come as easily as breathing.  So, I’m just taking care of bidness, so to speak.

Lisa:  Take care of it later, I’ve got questions to ask you.

Rich:  And that is what I love about you.

Lisa:  What?

Rich:  Everything. 

Lisa:  Before our readers vomit, let’s get this interview started.  So, you’ve been working as a divorce attorney for twenty years.

Rich:  Twenty-Two.

Lisa:  Honestly, it’s a blur, but because you’ve been at it so long you’ve seen a lot of marriages end, and I’m wondering if there is one piece of advice you could give to anyone who is considering divorcing their spouse?

Rich:  Every case is different, one bit of advice isn’t really adequate.  For some it’s the only option, but for those who are not in that position, but still considering divorce, I would tell them this:  Divorce is hard.  If you’re considering divorcing because of finances or falling out of love, you need to understand you’ll most likely find those problems again in the next relationship.  So, to those couples, I would say, Don’t give up.

Lisa:  What is one thing you think a couple can do to strengthen their marriage?

Rich:  Spend time together, even if it’s just a half an hour walk.

Lisa:  Who is more likely to file for divorce, the husband or wife?

Rich:  I read that women file more often, but I can’t say that I’ve seen that in my practice.

Lisa:  Have you seen marriages end that you felt didn’t need to?

Rich:  Yes

Lisa:  And what made them continue with the divorce?

Rich:  Selfishness, more often than not.

Lisa:  Considering what you see in your practice, what advice would you give to someone who is at the beginning of a relationship?

Rich:  Don’t have sex.

Lisa:  Are you saying that because you’re just an old-fashioned guy?

Rich:  I’m saying it because 99.9 percent of the divorces I do are relationships where the couple rushed into having sex.

Lisa: If you could change one thing about the way divorces play out in the court system, what would it be?

Rich:  I’d like for there to be greater recognition by the courts that adultery is wrong.  The way it works now, a spouse has an affair and leaves, and the courts don’t say to the spouse who was betrayed, Hey, what happened to you was wrong.  I think it would be great for there to be a penalty in court for those who have affairs.  And I don’t mean that it would stop the divorce from happening, but it would be nice for the wronged party to hear in court that the behavior of their wayward spouse is wrong.

Lisa:  So, let’s say a couple is close to getting divorced, but they work at their marriage and avoid doing so.  What do you think are some of the benefits they will enjoy because they chose to stay together?

Rich:  There are plenty, especially for the children.  It’s nice for kids when parents can work out their differences, regain their footing, and the family can stay together.  And for the family there are so many social and financial benefits.  There is one house, not two.  One electric bill, not two.  One vacation, one Christmas, one table for the parents at weddings.  One trip to see grandma and grandpa.  The united front approach to life, if it can be achieved, really pays off in the end.  And there are studies that show that people who hung in there and stayed married, ten years later when interviewed again, were happy. 

Lisa:  And you’ve seen this?

Rich:  Actually, I recently overheard a nurse asking a patient how many times he had been married.  When the patient said two, she asked which wife he would marry again, and he said, the first.  To this, the nurse said, Yes, that is what everyone says when I ask them that question.  If it can be done, hanging in there pays off.

Lisa:  How should a married couple view divorce?

Rich:  They should see it as serious a question as whether to amputate a limb.  If you have cancer and there’s no choice, you choose to amputate to save your life.  And that’s how it should be with divorce—it’s a last resort.  My advice is to seek professional help.  If you liked each other enough to get married in the first place, there might still be a reason to stay married.

Lisa:  Do you think your parents needed to get a divorce?

Rich:  No

Lisa:  Any parting thoughts?

Rich:  Don’t threaten your spouse with divorce when you’re angry.  It sends the message that you’re only committed to the relationship as long as you get what you want.  Throwing down the D card isn’t part of a healthy marriage, so make a point as couple to not do that.

Lisa:  Thanks for the interview.

Rich:  Thanks for not making spaghetti again for dinner.

Lisa: That’s it for now.  Thanks for reading!