Thirteen Reasons Wine

It’s not surprising to anyone that knows me that I’ve never consumed alcohol.  Not beer, not wine, not the hard stuff.  It has never slid down my throat, burning or purring its way into my stomach.  I’m the ultimate teetotaler.  Actually, I’m not even a teetotaler, since I also don’t drink tea or coffee.  At this point, some may be saying, What the freak?  How do you celebrate?  How do you relax?  How do you wake up?  How do you cope, especially with your seven adorable, but still, SEVEN, children? 

The answer is, I celebrate, I relax, I wake up, and I cope with motherhood.  I do it all, just without that stuff.  I bet it’s nice to relax at the end of the day with a glass of wine, and if I did drink, I’m sure I would be, as Lady Catherine de Bourgh once said, “A great proficient.”  Uncorking calm after a day of breaking up fights, assigning chores, doing laundry, running errands, who wouldn’t want that?  If I were looking for a reason to imbibe, it wouldn’t be hard to find one.  So, why do I live life sober?

It started out me just being a good Mormon kid.  Mormons are taught to abstain from alcohol, and pretty much anything that would cause you to wait in line at Starbucks.  So, that was my upbringing, and it served me well through those sketchy high school and college years where you’re trying to find yourself.  Not once did I find myself passed out on a bathroom floor, or with a hangover.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve examined my choice to live life stone, cold sober, and I gotta say, the longer I live, the more sense it makes.  There are some studies which tout the benefits of a drink a day, that it lowers your risk of heart disease, diabetes, or gallstones.  And maybe it does, but what are the chances I’d stop at a glass a day?  Who’s to say I wouldn’t be the one who LIKES alcohol so much that I’d be saying to myself, It’s five o’clock somewhere!  I’ve got socks that have been needing to be matched since 2015; I don’t have time for rehab.

And can’t I get the same health benefits from a glass of grape juice?  Yes!  And, grape juice never landed anyone in the Betty Ford Clinic.  Grape juice never put someone behind bars for a DUI, and it hasn’t yet caused anyone to stand by a  loved one's grave.

I know, I know.  People love their wine.  They love to pair it with food, and they love to use it for celebrations or relaxing or whatever.  And they love their drinking buddies.   I’ve seen more than once the disappointment in a person’s eyes when I’ve explained at a social function that I don’t drink.  It’s been an impediment to becoming closer to certain people, but it’s kept me 100 percent present for the people who matter most—the ones who could drive me to drink, my family. 

And so, I’ll stick to nursing my black cherry Fresca, so that I can enjoy the people who matter most.  Cheers.