I am not a cock-eyed optimist, which is probably why I think that life is like standing on a slow-moving conveyor belt that is inching us ever closer to death. I realize this isn’t a happy image, but for the most part I think the comparison holds true. Most days, it feels like the belt is hardly moving, and we go about the business of checking things off our to-do lists, without giving the inevitability of death the slightest thought.
Then suddenly, we look back and see how far we’ve come, and wonder how it’s possible. It doesn’t feel like we should be old enough to see, with the aid of binoculars, the grim reaper sharpening his scythe in the distance. Something cold lands in the pit of our stomach, as realization dawns that the belt that seemed endless doesn’t go on forever.
Alarmed, we may try to run back down the conveyor belt (i.e., get a face lift, Botox, or a younger spouse) but there’s no running back, no putting the belt in reverse. Slowly, steadily, the belt ratchets on, taking us ever closer to the end.
When we come to the end of that long, snail-paced belt, we’re supposed to be worn out, our bodies wrung dry from all the living, all the adventures. We’re supposed to be to that point where death is a sweet release. But it doesn’t always work that way, and this is where my comparison fails.
Sometimes it’s as if a careless hair-netted factory worker presses the wrong button, and the belt lurches forward, taking the person atop to the end far too soon.
It’s must be a mistake. Someone should be fired! But, filing a complaint is useless. There is nothing that can be done. The end has come.
Learning that my dear friend’s husband has just died feels like a mistake. He’s supposed to still be here. Just in his fifties, he had loads of time left, and so much to live for—a great job, wonderful children, an adoring wife. It was easy to see how much he loved his wife. In fact, if every husband treated their wife as he did, my husband (aka 1-800-GET-RICH) would be selling vacation packages.
I realize Facebook is like a Victoria Secret runway show—an idealized version of reality. But it was easy to see my friend’s posts were not posed. She and her husband weren’t presenting a happier version of their relationship. These two were just happy. Happy and in love.
During their marriage, they faced challenges, but they didn’t allow their love for each other to fray. They stayed deeply in love, despite obstacles.
Smooth sailing is, of course, the marital weather we hope for, but there is bound to be rough water. Financial struggles, differing religious beliefs, health crises, two-hour piano recitals…There is sure to be a bump or two, and these can, if we let them, cause the ties that bind us to fray.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. We don’t have to spend our time together tense and at odds. And we don’t need to throw in the towel.
Imagine a scene in your future, one of your children and you and your husband gathered together at Christmas. You’re older now, so there are even grandchildren. In the room there is a feeling of contentment and happiness because all are present.
Boom! This is the goal, and it’s one worth striving for, but so many marriages forfeit future joy because of storms they face. I’m not talking about infidelity or abuse. Those are reasons where leaving is a viable option. I’m talking about the nitty gritty that can blow a solid marriage off course.
Here are four things that should be carefully watched to allow for optimal marital navigation through rough patches.
1. Avoid criticizing your spouse. It’s never cool to bond with your friends by complaining about the love of your life. Don’t do it.
2. Be Nice. The love of your life has a tender heart (we all do.) Think of the white-gloved museum curators, how careful they are with the expensive works of art they handle. Are you that careful with your spouse’s feelings? Or are you bumping into stuff, and knocking it over?
3. Don’t be proud. Be willing to say you’re sorry. When was the time you said, I’m sorry, to your spouse? Not I’m sorry, but you really annoyed me when you blah, blah, blah. Just, I’m sorry. The best way to want to hold hands again is by not being so proud you can’t say sorry. And this is what I loved about my friend’s marriage. You could tell they spent A LOT more time holding hands rather than holding grudges. Hold hands, not grudges. It’s such good advice, it sounds like a bumper sticker.
4. Have plenty of sex with your spouse. None of this letting the love grow cold business. Be that feisty old couple that breaks the bed after six weeks apart. History buffs out there may realize I’m referring to President Truman and his wife, Bess. Way to go, Harry! When you take sex out of marriage it’s no bueno. So, don’t be lazy, throw the negligee on, get the Bee Gees going, and, make some magic.
My friend’s time with her husband is up. It wasn’t enough. That happy Christmas scene I described earlier, that will not be her family’s. He will be missing, and I’m sure she feels cheated. But one thing is certain, they as a couple didn’t waste the time they were given. I’m told her grief is so great she can’t stop shaking.
Even when it doesn’t feel like the conveyor belt isn’t moving, it is. So, go give a kiss to the people you love, and make it a great day.
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