49 Reasons We Don't Throw Rich Into A Volcano, Assuming We're Incan.

1.        He’s a lawyer, he’ll slow down the process with paperwork.

2.       He’s friendly.  He’ll have to stop and talk to everyone along the way.

3.       He whistles.  This is a solemn occasion.

4.       He’s got nice teeth, which practically counts as a carnival side show in our society.

5.       He doesn’t have a temper.  The gods are looking more for someone like that angry chef, Gordon Ramsay.

6.       He’s fairly flatulent and we’ve got enough explosives to worry about just with the volcano.

7.       He’s scheduled for a massage.

8.       His wife doesn’t know the value of his flashlight collection.

9.       He’s almost finished writing his novel, If You Sacrifice me, I’m Taking You With Me.

10.   He’s got court on Tuesday.

11.   He alone knows how to clean the drains in his house.

12.   He’s a Republican, his party needs him.

13.   He once ate a steak the size of place mat.

14.   Fantasy Island was filmed near where he grew up, and as child he did stunt double work for Tattoo.

15.   He considers himself a Brady Bunch scholar.

16.   He endured a few Saturdays so boring as a child he resorted to watching Hee Haw.

17.   The gods are looking for a virgin, and he . . . let’s just say we’d be stretching the truth.

18.   The gods hate it when we stretch the truth.

19.   He’s not fond of hot showers, let alone hot lava.

20.   He doesn’t swear.  We’d like a few expletives as he bounces off rocks on his way to the bottom.

21.   He doesn’t drink which is a total buzzkill at the pre-sacrifice party.

22.   He hasn’t picked up his socks.

23.   He’s got to get his hair cut.

24.   The steam from the lava would fog his glasses.

25.   He’s got ears cuter than a hippos, and how many of us can say that?

26.   He’s not caught up on Dancing With The Stars.

27.   He still perfecting his cha cha.

28.   He’s nice.  The gods don’t mind a lawyer, but they draw the line when it comes to a nice lawyer.

29.   He donates blood. (Not really, but he says he’s willing to if it will get him off the hook.)

30.   He’s got three kids in college.  Hmmm…maybe sacrifice one of them.

31.   The hike up might be a bit much for him, since his calves are still hurting from his bike ride across Oregon.

32.   He’s been banned for life from medieval festivals because he has a sword that slices through boulders like they’re butter.

33.   He’s sensitive.  Being sacrificed will hurt his feelings.

34.   He’s got tickets to Comic Con.

35.   He’s never thanked Barbara Streisand for going into retirement.

36.   He’s considering trying his luck as stand-up comedian.

37.   He’s a summer, which would totally clash with lava.

38.   He’s got blue eyes, lovely blue eyes.

39.   He’s just started learning the accordion, a dying art form.

40.    He’s available to play at weddings of the hearing impaired.

41.   He’s just started to shift from buying flashlights to those really long horns that they blow on the mountain tops in Switzerland.

42.   He says he’s afraid of heights.

43.   He says his tummy hurts.

44.   He says he’s just not feeling it.

45.   He hasn’t brushed his teeth.

46.   He hasn’t been to Branson, Missouri.

47.   He once started a bonfire made up entirely of Hall and Oates records.

48.   He wants to be around when David Hasselhoff makes a comeback.

49.   And the best reason of all . . . IT’S HIS BIRTHDAY!